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1. 1f you c4n r34d 7h15, you r34lly n33d 2 g37 l41d.
2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
3. A lie is just a great story ruined by truth.
4. Actually, I’m not funny, I’m having a mental disorder
5. Alzheimer’s can’t be that bad. You get to meet new people every day.
6. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
7. BAE: Bacon And Eggs.
8. Born at a very young age.
9. Cartoonist found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
10. Chaos, panic & disorder – my work here is done.
11. Crowded elevators smell different to short people.
12. Did my opinion offend you? You should hear the ones I don’t say out loud.
13. Don’t get a woman, get a dog… They are loyal and they die sooner.
14. Don’t worry if plan A fails; there are twenty-five other letters in the alphabet.
15. Eat right. Stay in shape. Die anyway.
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18. Gifted napper, talker, and ice cream eater.
19. Humble with just a hint of Kanye
20. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle… He’s dreaming too.
21. I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.
22. I apologize for anything I post while hungry
23. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
24. I hold the key to success, but someone changed the lock
25. I might look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head, I’m quite busy.
26. I only drink on two occasions: when it’s my birthday and when it’s not.
27. I prefer my puns intended.
28. I ran into my ex today… Put it in reverse and did it again!!!
29. I talk like a baby and I never pay for drinks.
30. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
31. I told the doctor that I’d broken my arm in several places. He said not to go to those places.
32. I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
33. I wonder what happens when the doctor’s wife eats an apple a day…
34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
35. I work for money, for loyalty hire a Dog.
36. I’d rather steal your dessert than your boyfriend
37. I’m a social media guru. No, really, I am.
38. I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean but people always think I’m joking.
39. I’m in desperate need of a 6 month vacation… Twice a year.
40. I’m just having an allergic reaction to the universe.
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